Losing a baby...
It is very difficult to explain how you feel when you miscarry… It's still somewhat of a taboo even in modern day society where it is common to swear at people in public and pull moonies when drunk it is staggering we remain so closed about certain topics, preferring to ignore or give a verbal or silent pat on the head to say "there there, it'll happen next time" and move on.
For me it was a surreal experience. One minute myself and my husband were getting excited about a new life form growing daily and the next I just felt completely empty and hollow. It was as though something was missing but I didn't quite know what or whether it was ever really there in the first place. The rational part of my mind said it wasn’t meant to be, my emotional side hammered on my heart telling me to cry and my body to crumble.
Even though I was semi prepared for the loss (having been for a scan and informed that they could not detect a heartbeat and that the foetus looked too small considering “it” (s/he?) should have been 9 weeks along) when the miscarriage happened, when it happened the suddenness of what felt almost like a labour (albeit pain free) was overwhelming and the amount of blood and tissue lost very shocking. I happened to be at work, which was all the more awful somehow. It was a situation where I had to either call around the door for someone to share my devastation or just get on with it. The former did not appeal – especially as there was no telling who might walk in to the lavatories next – so I cleaned myself up, pulled myself together and returned to my desk.
Wrong decision or right I spent the next few hours to-ing and fro-ing to the bathroom, no need for description here I am sure you can imagine the bodily process. After a while I started feeling better and just felt dazed by the whole experience, as though going through the motions (which I also felt when one of my parents died a few years ago) almost an out of body experience, hard to describe really. After work, I went to A&E, which turned out to be a pointless exercise as the skeleton staff said it was not policy to do full examinations or scans after 8pm (sometimes the NHS is great but these days our local hospital feels like it could be in the third world rather than SE London).
I went back to the early pregnancy clinic the following day, surrounded by women in their first trimester and those with gynalogical problems that necessarily crop up around middle/old age. A bizarre mixture of screaming babies, women with bumps and those perhaps going through similar things to myself (or about to be informed that they were).
A few days on the bleeding continued steadily, a reminder of loss… something ebbing away. It felt strange talking about it and even stranger not talking about it. What could be said to help? As with any grief there is no solution or way to make things right. You are conscious that you will feel better in time but at the same time part of you wants time to stand still whilst you reflect and the other wants to fast forward time.
Weeks on the bleeding stopped. For me acupuncture really helped relax and de-stress. My therapist became counsellor, offering kind words and sympathy.
One month on I am moving forward. I have not forgotten but I am not dwelling.
Useful Contacts:
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk or helpline 01924 200 799 (9am-4pm Mon-Fri)
http://www.babyloss-awareness.org
http://www.mumsnet.com/pregnancy/miscarriage
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a252/understanding-miscarriage
"For those of us who have undergone the trauma and complex feelings following
miscarriage, a little of that pain remains in a corner of one’s heart forever."
Barbara Dickson (singer & actress)
For me it was a surreal experience. One minute myself and my husband were getting excited about a new life form growing daily and the next I just felt completely empty and hollow. It was as though something was missing but I didn't quite know what or whether it was ever really there in the first place. The rational part of my mind said it wasn’t meant to be, my emotional side hammered on my heart telling me to cry and my body to crumble.
Even though I was semi prepared for the loss (having been for a scan and informed that they could not detect a heartbeat and that the foetus looked too small considering “it” (s/he?) should have been 9 weeks along) when the miscarriage happened, when it happened the suddenness of what felt almost like a labour (albeit pain free) was overwhelming and the amount of blood and tissue lost very shocking. I happened to be at work, which was all the more awful somehow. It was a situation where I had to either call around the door for someone to share my devastation or just get on with it. The former did not appeal – especially as there was no telling who might walk in to the lavatories next – so I cleaned myself up, pulled myself together and returned to my desk.
Wrong decision or right I spent the next few hours to-ing and fro-ing to the bathroom, no need for description here I am sure you can imagine the bodily process. After a while I started feeling better and just felt dazed by the whole experience, as though going through the motions (which I also felt when one of my parents died a few years ago) almost an out of body experience, hard to describe really. After work, I went to A&E, which turned out to be a pointless exercise as the skeleton staff said it was not policy to do full examinations or scans after 8pm (sometimes the NHS is great but these days our local hospital feels like it could be in the third world rather than SE London).
I went back to the early pregnancy clinic the following day, surrounded by women in their first trimester and those with gynalogical problems that necessarily crop up around middle/old age. A bizarre mixture of screaming babies, women with bumps and those perhaps going through similar things to myself (or about to be informed that they were).
A few days on the bleeding continued steadily, a reminder of loss… something ebbing away. It felt strange talking about it and even stranger not talking about it. What could be said to help? As with any grief there is no solution or way to make things right. You are conscious that you will feel better in time but at the same time part of you wants time to stand still whilst you reflect and the other wants to fast forward time.
Weeks on the bleeding stopped. For me acupuncture really helped relax and de-stress. My therapist became counsellor, offering kind words and sympathy.
One month on I am moving forward. I have not forgotten but I am not dwelling.
Useful Contacts:
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk or helpline 01924 200 799 (9am-4pm Mon-Fri)
http://www.babyloss-awareness.org
http://www.mumsnet.com/pregnancy/miscarriage
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a252/understanding-miscarriage
"For those of us who have undergone the trauma and complex feelings following
miscarriage, a little of that pain remains in a corner of one’s heart forever."
Barbara Dickson (singer & actress)
